i'm not saying i'm having second thoughts
how could i ever possibly be having second thoughts
but...
there's just this little voice in my head
saying that something's not quite going right

dunno
maybe i'm just going crazy

i love you

-rv

cell phone fvcked
wash maschine fvcked
dvd player fvcked
...
waiting for the pc to blow itself up

-rv

“Love“: the four-letter-word that is often misunderstood. Some people overestimate it and even more underestimate it. The word seems meaningless, just like any other words. But when used and applied properly, this word can set the whole world into a motion.

Every single being on this earth has been touched by love. Not many are aware of it, but when love comes knocking at one’s door unexpectedly, the emotion might knock one off one’s feet. It can be wonderful as well as terrible. It just depends on how one looks at it.

The word is as beautiful as it is dangerous. A lot of things can start from the word “Love” alone. If it works out fine, love may start a whole new life but if one takes it for granted, love may destroy everything one will ever have. Many have succeeded gloriously in love and many more have suffered and even died because of it.

I personally have been touched by love several times, may it be love of my family, my friends or the love of a man. Each experience has left a memory, some pleasant and a few bitter even cold, but each and every one of them has taught me a lesson in their own special way. And I believe these lessons have shaped me into what and who I am right now.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason. So these people who have come across my path and touched me with their love were meant to come across me. I was meant to love them and in the end I was meant to be left alone or hurt. I don’t regret any of them; neither do I wish that things would go the other way, because if they did, I would never have learned the lesson contained in it. Therefore, I wouldn’t be here where I am at this moment.

For now I am trying to look for a shelter from a man’s love. A man I met 6 months ago. A man whom I hope will be my last, for I am tired and weary from looking and playing games. I guess I have come to the age of settling down. I don’t know if I’m ready for it, but I do realise that this has to happen one way or another, sooner or later. It’s not easy to nurture this new love, some even say it’s foolish and impossible to do, but I am willing to go the distance and make it work.

-rv

time shows 21:43
been sitting in front of the tv
with the laptop on my lap
staring blankly ahead

tv programm: some kind of crime show
blah blah
yadda yadda

so much to tell
so much to write
dunno where to begin
dunno what to type
dun even know what to say

somewhere between euphoria
and depressed
is there such a thing?
nah, im just making it up

it's cold
no
it's warm
oh
it's cold again
maybe i should close the window
maybe i should turn up the heater
when's the winter gonna come to an end?
and when's summer coming?

what's gonna happen tonight, i wonder
want to talk
but dun even want to open my mouth

want to go over to get some warmth
where?
i dunno
his arms?
maybe
maybe not
maybe i'll just snuggle up under a blanket

what's the matter?
"what's should be the matter?"
i dunno u tell me
dun look at me like that
i dun like it
dun even be here if u dun want to be here

come, little brain
think...
gimme some words
some beautiful words to write

no, the cells aren't participating
they're doing their own thing
hey, little cells
what are u doing??
"nothing"

ah, nevermind
it's monday anyway...
it's not friday
well, do i feel better on fridays??
no, not really

good bye
good night
good fight

-rv

racism is just another way of saying "judging a book by its cover". living in austria, where the majority population is europeans, i have become a victim of racism myself, although not as often and not treated as discriminately as the africans are.

i have hated the word and the act of racism for as long as i can remember. although i'm not denying that there have been times where i couldn't help saying "racism stuff", but i have never done anything to hurt anyone just because of the colour of their skins. i do have some personal opinions that u may call "racist" but i don't show it to people.

what about stereotypes?

i'd say stereotype is simply the soft form of racism. it can go as light as thinking that all germans drink beer and eat sausages only to something malicious like all africans suffer from aids. see? racism, blanketed by words. same difference.

i was chilling at home last night with my african boyfriend and two of my good friends, watching tv. an sms from someone close - very close - to me told me to switch the channel. so i did. the tv programm was a coverage about a missionary helping africans infected with the hiv virus. at first i didn't understand, so i picked up the phone and called this person to ask what was the purpose of telling me to watch the programm.

the person simply said, "watch it, pay attention to it and tell me what u think about it, and then start thinking about ur own health". then it dawned on me. i switched the channel back to what we were watching before and slammed the phone down. the feeling was undescribable. i was angry at this person, who i thought was an open-minded person, and also embarassed.

later on that night, when we were getting ready for bed, my boyfriend asked me what the phonecall was all about. i looked at him straight in the eyes and couldn't bring myself to tell him. i was afraid of what he would say and i was afraid of hurting him. so i didn't tell him. i feel so bad about not telling him the whole truth, but i didn't want him to be hurt either.

so, last night, i have become an "indirect" victim of racism and my boyfriend a victim of cruel stereotype. i'm sure this won't be the last time, and i'm sure we will overcome it. but i just never thought it would come from a person very close to me.

-rv

well... here i am... surprisingly whole and alive. you would say "surprisingly" too, if u'd known what i've been through. three months of non-stop emotion turmoil. I do understand the concept of, you know, the whole "it's a big ferris wheel, once u're up and once u're down" thing. but i've just never been on a ferris wheel that goes full speed! so i guess it's excusable to say that i had to adjust a little.

yea, three months. it was tough. really tough. but i guess once u've calmed down and accept the things, u start to see everything else in a different way. and somehow, u just make peace with the fact that u just cant change those things. in return, u'll find another way that leads u to a whole new place that u think might just be the right place for u.

it is difficult, especially when u've lived and believed in that old place for too long, u even started to believe that u really did belong there. but the first step is always difficult and challenging. once u've taken that step, u'll find it easier to take the next and find it even easier not to look back.

and after a while, u'll reach a point where u become so sick of the past that u dun even want to be a part of it anymore. u dun even want to talk or hear about it. it's true that we have to learn from the past. and that i do, but that doesnt mean that u have to keep the past with u.

i have reached that point. the point where i just throw away all the past, and put it where it should be: behind - no matter how wonderful the past could be; and also where i start accepting and making peace with the things i cannot change. i wouldn't say that that made me a better person. but i think i may have just discovered a new layer of me and perhaps it's a good thing. i dunno... time will tell.

-rv

He:
Hurts me most of the time during the 4 years we were together
Lies to me
Doesn’t care about anyone’s feelings but his own
Thinks it’s normal to date his ex’s best friend
Tells everyone about her being his new girlfriend

She:
Lies to me
Doesn’t open up to me
Doesn’t do the things she said she would do
Cancels our plans to celebrate new year together,
Tells me she’s staying at home,
And then goes with my ex to celebrate new year

And these are the two people I introduce to everyone as my best friends

-rv

New year has come
Celebrated good
Although not exactly as I had planned it

The big plan was
Get drunk ‘till I can’t get drunk no more with my best friend
The outcome?
Quiet celebration with a couple of friends at home
(Foday too, though he came late due to a car breakdown)
Two bottles of champagne and a bottle of wine
Endless rounds of card games
And yes, the good delicious food
(Thanks to John)

Some people come up with new year’s resolutions
Some just don’t care
I normally fall into the latter category
However, this year’s different

It’s not what you’d call a resolution
I’d rather call it a new determination
And maybe a little bit of “learning-from-the-past” lesson

Those around me
(Correction: those who truly understand and care about me)
Will know what kind of rough time I’ve gone through in November-December 2005
Not the prettiest months of the year, is all I can say
Although there were some factors that helped me get through them
And I guess these two months
(Including the “just out” event that happened at the last minutes of the end of 2005)
Have led me to these “determinations”

Well, first
I have decided NOT to trust the people anymore
(Lord knows I do have difficulties in trusting people, but now it’s worse)
ESPECIALLY those who I already have trusted
(No matter, I’ve lost them anyway
Or maybe "I've erased their names from my trusted-and-good friends list"
is a better way to put it)

And, second
I have decided to NOT care about my surroundings
It seems that caring about the people around me have cost me a great deal of energy
And somehow backfired at me
(Not in a good way, may I add)
So, the thing with “trying to be an attentive girl” is a bye-bye for this year

Call me bad, mean and heartless if you like
But at least these determinations won't cost me my feelings and tears anymore

-rv